I love NYC. Even after having lived here pretty much all of my life, it never ceases to surprise me. There are always new places to discover or rediscover. On the weekend we decided to go to Governors Island at the last minute. It was THE perfect day – warm, but not humid, clear but with amazing looking clouds in the sky. What better day than to ride a ferry to someplace new? The island, which was used for military purposes up until about 10 years ago was turned over to the city of NY in 2003. It still seems undiscovered as most NYers will probably tell you that they’ve never been there, but stepping off the free 10 minute ferry ride from downtown Manhattan is like stepping to another time. More on the island in Part 2…

You know what’s funny? I can totally recreate this outfit now. Ok ok, not the pants – those wonderfully patterned, I’m-betting-it’s-polyester pants which I know is key, but everything else, yes. I HAVE a vintage hooded maroon leather trench hanging in my closet just like that and I’ve worn it recently. Huh. I’ve got some other photos too of some crazy getups my mom used to dress me in, including faux fur coats with patent white, round toe boots and this hot pink Lord Fauntleroy pantsuit with a white ruffled shirt. At one point I wore asymmetrical thick braids all over my head with those multicolored ball ponytail holders like an African American kid. But the clothes…where are these clothes!?! They are awesome! I would die to put them on the girls right now.

You should never think that you are alone in how you’re feeling because chances are, other people are feeling the same way. I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s comments to my last post and even in the past 2 days I’ve reached some clarity. But one thing…only women feel this way? There were a few comments by guys, but unless this blog is read largely by women, which is entirely possible, guys don’t have this problem?? Please delurk and explain.

OK, so there are some real things that you can do like exercise, which I have begun and already that makes a huge difference in how you feel about your body (also, not being bloated anymore helps too). And the consensus seems to be that you should be able to wear whatever the hell you want whatever your age as long as it makes you feel good. As long as I don’t look like I’m trying ridiculously hard to be relevant and hip, or start embarassing the kids to the point where they don’t want to be seen with me, I should be fine. I think that a big part of this identity thing which I didn’t articulate earlier is now that I am completely beyond the pregnancy and nursing phase, I’m finally coming out of that post-baby and style ambiguity fog and reclaiming my sense of self and body – it’s mine again. The problem is that the body is not quite the same. I’m a bit wider in the chest and shoulders, for example, so some tops aren’t fitting like they used to and my hair is now wavy instead of straight so there is some re-evaluation involved. I think the way I’m going to approach it is to keep doing what I’m doing and not worry about whether or not I’m too old to rock this look. But kick me in the ass – and I’m sorry if I am about to offend anyone – if you ever catch me wearing Juicy velour sweats, tasseled loafers or anything out of the Coldwater Creek catalog.

I’ve been having a bit of an identity “situation”. I wouldn’t call it a crises, because you know, I’m not really thinking about it all THAT much, but suddenly, I don’t know what to wear anymore. Part of it is being bored with all of my clothes. Another part is feeling like I don’t really know how I’m supposed to dress at this age, and the other part is not really being happy with my body right now. It’s true, having kids and breastfeeding does a number on your body and now that I’m done with all that stuff, I’m sort of looking around, taking stock and wondering what happened. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve always been thin and sometimes even downright skinny at times, but my metabolism is changing and despite the fact that I feel like I’m not eating all that much lately, my weight isn’t changing at all, not even during my sugarfast. It’s really weird. I didn’t even lose weight during my long 2+ week illness a few months ago when I was barely eating anything, which kind of pissed me off because isn’t that the ONLY good thing about being sick? I know some of you who know me might be rolling your eyes because really, I am at a good weight for my height, but my point is, it used to be really hard for me to gain weight so this is a really strange change for me. I suppose this is what happens when one reaches a certain age – things just slow down and start hanging out in places you don’t want.

…which brings me to the fact that I’m getting older and I don’t know what to wear anymore. Seriously, should I really be shopping at like, Urban Outfitters with kids literally half my age? If I think about it, it’s sort of ridiculous to be wearing the same dresses, jeans and tanks that a 19 year old would wear, so then what? Ann Taylor separates? (noooooooo). There are days when I don’t really care and just put on whatever and walk out the door and feel fine. On other days, however, I’m changing outfits 3 or 4 times because nothing feels right and suddenly I feel like an awkward, insecure teenager. It used to be, at least in our culture, that by the time you reached 30 and had kids, you’d cut your hair, get a perm (you know, the Kofro – korean afro for those who don’t know – and I dare you to find any Korean woman over the age 55 with unpermed hair) and wear pleated pants and sweater sets. Truth is, I don’t really look that much different than I did 10 or 12 years ago, style or hair-wise, which ironically is why I feel like I’m in some kind of rut.

So what is spurring all this stuff? Don’t know. Ok, maybe just having turned thirtyfuckingnine years old last month might have something to do with it (told you we were old, ha!), but really, I don’t feel like I’m stressing about my age in that way. It is, however, making me think about aging and what not to do in that “I don’t want to look like one of those middle-aged rock stars prancing on stage who still have the hair, the leather, the eyeliner and chains kind of way”. And I am well aware that my Asian genes have helped me look younger than I am, but even I can see that I won’t be able to hide behind that much longer as I am seeing fine lines start to appear. But despite all this, I really don’t mind turning 40 in less than a year. I’m ok with that as I feel I’m in a good place in my career and family and all that kind of stuff, but like all 40 and almost approaching middle aged people, I just don’t feel that old yet. So sometimes mental state of being doesn’t equal actual age, hence the bit of identity confusion (oh and btw, middle aged, wtf!??!).

Peonies are hands down my favorite flower and every year around the middle of May, they start appearing everywhere – in the farmers markets, florists, corner bodegas, Korean delis…and in my father’s garden. These lush specimens are the first blooms from his many peony plants, but guess what? I planted a bulb in a large pot last Fall that I had shoved in the corner of our balcony that I completely forgot about, but it sprouted and grew into a 15 inch plant! I don’t see any buds, but I am super excited! I will ignore, for the moment, that my dad’s bulb, which was bought at the same farmers market in Olympia, Wa and planted around the same time has already started to bud (what’s up with that? Could it be because it was planted in the ground?). I really, truly hope my plant flowers at some point in the future and that being potted doesn’t hinder its growth. It’s all I have.

I’m not usually a hot weather fan, but I am loving this summer weather we’re having. The girls can finally wear the summer dresses they’ve been pining to wear everyday (yeah ok, me too), and we’ve been passing the time sitting on stoops, on grass, on benches, pretty much anywhere we can stay outdoors. The long weekend was filled with visits from family and friends, guacamole and mojitos, brunch in Dumbo, after dinner ice cream from the artisan ice cream truck in our neighborhood, outdoor meals out on the patio in the burbs, and a little shopping. Hope you had a nice weekend too.

Maybe it’s what they call Spring Fever. Or maybe there is some truth to the whole Mercury Retrograde theory that’s been tossing about, but I have been feeling mighty lazy. With all of my projects in a strange holding pattern due to awaiting feedback and decisions and such, I’ve been taking advantage of the lull by doing…not much. And for the first time, I’m not feeling too guilty about it (ok, maybe a little). Part of the problem is that I’ve been very uninspired creatively, so even though this could have been a perfect time to get some projects I have planned underway, it just hasn’t flowed at all. Rather than struggling with it, I’ve surrendered. I’ve come to the realization that I work best when I’m almost too busy and when things slow down I almost shut down, which seems counterproductive, but has proven to be the pattern. So instead I’ve been meeting friends for lunch, going to museums, having picnics and goofing around with the girls. One thing that I haven’t been doing is getting good sleep despite the fact that my work schedule has been light. My insomnia remains. Anyone have any advice on that front?

Ok, I never thought about rice krispie treats until a few people inquired about them, and then I did that poll on twitter where everyone was “duh, of course you should sell them”, so after one miserably failed attempt a few weeks ago, Mark made a batch that came out crispy, a bit chewy, and light and dense at the same time. I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten a rice krispy treat – I’ve always thought of them as sticky sweet things that I didn’t much like, but I am a convert now.

We’ll most likely have some for sale tomorrow at the Flea so swing on by.

Mia’s entering her last few weeks at her preschool, the only program and school she’s ever known. Come September, she’ll join the throngs of hundreds of other neighborhood kids at our local public school for Kindergarten and move from her current class size of 7 to three times that size. She’s been talking about Kindergarten for almost a year now and gets excited with anticipation every time we walk by the building. True to form, she’s very matter of fact about leaving her school, where she has spent the last 4 years going to class as a toddler, and then preschool. Characteristically, I’m more sappy about it than she is. I just don’t know that I am ready for girl cliques, crushes, peer pressure, homework and all the other stuff that goes along with having a school-aged child. It’s all good, but it all is happening so very fast.

Mark gets really antsy around the middle to end of May because he knows that around this time, there is rhubarb to be had out there, but he doesn’t always have the time to go searching for them. Luckily, our good friend bought us some stalks from the Park Slope Food Coop and we had our first rhubarb pie of the season.

We posted the recipe last year which you can find here. Not much to it, but a few ingredients.

Street fairs in NYC are sort of predictable – you know, tube socks and various meats-on-a-stick. The 5th Avenue street fair in Park Slope does one better because many of the local restaurants in the neighborhood expand beyond their storefronts and onto the streets, offering street food that makes it possible to eat your way through the 20 or so blocks by merely spending a few bucks here and there. Besides, it’s near our apartment so even if we want to avoid it, we can’t. We didn’t take photos of the sushi handrolls and ribs from Blue Ribbon or the $1 samosas because they were gone in a flash, but here are the girls enjoying the more typical street fair snacks, hotdogs and kabobs.

Oh, and these photos were taken with my new Canon T1i, which I finally pulled the trigger on late one night last week (remember that commercial back in the 90s – the one where the guy dances nervously around, then gingerly pushes the buy button on his computer and immediately dances nervously away? I don’t remember what the commercial was for, but this is how I felt). I’m still learning how to use it, but so far, this camera rocks, despite the stupid “Rebel” logo which I wish they’d retire.