This was this morning. The girls occupied themselves while I cleaned the house in preparation for our trip. I know we discussed this before, but I can’t leave until everything is put away and the house is clean. This morning I even washed all the bed sheets so they would be nice and fresh for when we got back. I also did a load of laundry which is saying a lot since I typically loathe doing laundry and piles of freshly washed clothes will often sit in the basket for days, unfolded. The other task I hate is unloading the dishwasher. I’d rather clean the bathroom spotless than do laundry or deal with the dishes. Pretty weird for someone who is a neat freak, but my favorite cleaning task? Vacuuming. It’s so satisfying.

So when did I become so OCD about neatness? I wasn’t like that as a child (just ask my mom), so certainly not growing up, and most certainly not in college. I don’t know. But when you’re still wiping down the kitchen 15 minutes before we’re set to load the car and take off…well, something happened at some point along the way.

The flowers are gone. I threw them out last night, finally, but not before taking one last photo, of course. Last night I also finished up the bulk of the work that’s been keeping me up and crazy for the past 5 weeks. It’s always a mix of emotions when you finish an all-consuming project like that. Relief mostly, but it’s also a bit unsettling and you don’t know what to do with your sudden free time anymore.

This is just a temporary break though, I’m thinking. So I’m cleaning and packing because we’re taking a small road trip for 4 days to visit Mark’s dad who is now in a rehabilitation center after spending 6 weeks in the hospital. I’m not really sure what to expect once we’re there.

It’s Spring Break.

We were supposed to maybe go to the Cape or spend some time in Boston. Last summer we also ditched our plans for a mini vacation to somewhere tropical to go visit his dad.

That’s family.

Mushrooms are fascinating. They are both delicate and alien and interesting to photograph.

Hard to believe we were at the beach last weekend. Oh March, you just had to remind us that you are fickle, didn’t you? It’s cold again. 40 degrees. Winter coats + scarves + hats. But looking at the forecast for this week and I see that it’ll be 70 degrees again by Thursday so it’s just a little cold blip in the weather.

We took a walk through the Union Square Farmers Market today. Lots of flowers out.

After being completely fed up with my hair last night, I got a haircut today after 7 long months. Its not drastically different or anything – a few inches shorter with shorter bangs – but I need to wash it and let it dry before making any assessments. I sort of hate what they do at the salon – put all this product in your hair, style and blow dry it in a way that I would never replicate at home.

I’ve been really tired lately and not functioning so well on 5 hours of sleep every night, but I have this design problem to solve for a monday deadline. I just want to go to sleep.

There are a few things worrying me today.

I hate getting my picture taken. HATE. But I took these photos the other day because I suppose now that it’s only a few weeks away, it’s officially the countdown to the big birthday. There aren’t many photos of me laying around and I thought I might want to see what I looked like at 40 when I’m really old (yes, I did just say 40 for those who are new around here) because I just took a look at photos of myself when I was 30 and like, whoa! Not that I look all *that* different, but yeah, I looked different back then.

I’m pretty okay with turning 40. I haven’t had that much time to think or dwell on it, but I’m not freaked out by it or anything and I’m not going to start lying about my age. Sure, a lot has happened in the last 10 years since I celebrated the last milestone birthday, but I don’t feel 10 years older, I still kinda dress the same, and even though I know I’ve aged I don’t feel like I look that much older. (or maybe I do. I don’t know. Okay, I do have a lot more gray hair now, like a lot more). For a long time I didn’t see any wrinkles and I began to think that I’d look the way I did forever, but they are there now. They’re small and appear mostly when I laugh or smile, but they are most definitely there. Pregnancy hasn’t been too kind to my skin either and I have these freckles on my face and my hair has now turned wavy (what the hell). I don’t like being called ma’am, but it happens more often than I’d like. On the other hand, I did get carded rather recently, but for buying seltzer in a bar (what kind of loser cards someone for ordering seltzer? But what kind of loser buys seltzer in a bar? Apparently this 39 year old mother of 2 kids. Wait, shouldn’t that *make* you want to drink?).

But the thing that struck me about those photos was how skinny I was. S-k-i-n-n-y! I’m probably the thinnest I’ve been since I started having babies and I did just have to go out and buy a few new pairs of jeans because of all the weight I dropped this year from being sick, but geez, I sure was skinny back then. This means my metabolism has slowed way down because I used to be able to eat legendary amounts of food. I’d have these eating contests with another tiny Asian girl back in grad school because we could both eat unbelievable amounts and it was entertaining. I could out-eat anyone I knew back then, anyone. This is how I know I’m getting older. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t seem to eat much these days, but despite what it may seem from my twitter feeds, I don’t live on coffee and Doritos.

So what does turning 40 mean? I thought I’d feel something. Dread, maybe. A mid-life crises. Regret? Wishing I was somewhere other than where I am right now? Feeling so old that I expect to be handed a hearing aid and some geriatric shoes in a few years? A wistful sadness/annoyance that most everyone I meet now is not only younger than me, but often times A LOT younger than me? No, none of these things (well ok, if you must know, the bit about being the oldest in almost every situation really does blow. And not knowing what to do with my 40 year old hair is confounding. My hair is totally tragic right now).

But really, so far, turning 40 means…nothing.

1 month on this intensive work schedule and I’m starting to lose focus of the goals I set earlier this year. All those personal and Whimsy-related projects I was excited about are becoming distant and hazy. I think if you aren’t in there diving into them, you start to either over think the ideas too much or not give them enough attention and they start to lose their point and meaning.

In a weird way, I almost feel like I’m taking the easy way out after having set all those goals earlier in the year. When you’re working on client projects you’re given clear assignments, a deadline and at the end, a paycheck. It’s much harder to do your own thing, set your own goals and deadlines and attempt to make a living from what you create, but it’s also hard to turn away good money and say no. It’s made me reassess my wish for this year to transition out of this career. It’s hard to be in a line of work where your work is constantly critiqued. It’s all subjective. Sometimes you can separate the critique from your feelings (it’s not about you, it’s about the work) and other times you feel like shit when something you put out in the world gets slammed and ripped apart. You would think that you’d get used to it after spending more than half a lifetime sitting through critiques in high school, art school, music school, grad school and then with clients, but it doesn’t necessarily get easier. Despite the fact that my heart is never in this kind of work, that I have insecurities and suffer from nerves being shot every time I await feedback from a client, I work hard and I can maybe finally admit to myself what others have been telling me for years – that I am good at what I do.

I feel burnt out today. No focus at all. I just want to sit on the couch and watch crap TV on YouTube (recent obsession, Be Good Johnny Weir) and eat a bunch of KitKat bars. So despite the fact that it seems to go against my usual nature of taking everything on and dealing with the stressful consequences if the shit hits the fan, I am saying no to new projects that have surfaced the past 2 days and learning not to have any regrets. Can’t do it all. It’s not worth it, not even for the money.

(thank you to Andrew who gave the girls some tooth fairy and kokeshi charms (shown above). The generosity of others is always inspiring).

It’s not an orange. It’s not a grapefruit. It’s an ugli fruit and if you haven’t tried it, you should. Despite the name (although the ugli is not particularly ugly), the fruit is a super juicy, sour sweet citrus.

Mark tried to candy the peel. They accidentally got overcooked and didn’t work. Also, they ended up looking like gummy worms. I don’t really like eating gummy worms so that was okay by me.

There is nothing like laying on the beach to clear your head from a hectic week. The salty air. The rhythmic lull of the waves. Being able to see the horizon. We weren’t the only ones with the idea to go to the beach on Saturday, but it was nice to spread out on the sand without being cramped with hundreds of other families like on summer weekends.

It’s about 15 degrees cooler and rainy on this Monday morning. We start all over again. I don’t mind that the weather doesn’t feel like summer anymore. While that was a nice preview of warm weather days ahead, it’s a little too soon. I need the transition seasons of Spring and Fall. Besides, what else am I going to do with all the cute Spring jackets in my closet?

The weather’s been in the 70s most of the week. Didn’t we have that snow storm just 2 weeks ago? It’s weird to wear short sleeves and sandals when the trees still look like winter.

Weekends usually mean very little at our house since work flows from 1 day to the next regardless of what day it is, but with this particular freelance gig, I’ve been looking forward to Friday nights (and feeling the Sunday night blues) like most of the traditional working world. I’m finally coming up for air. I haven’t had a week like this in a while, but in the end, everything got done and everyone is happy. I’m feeling the need to process the last 5 days and then file it away and move on.

Number of hours worked: 62
Number of hours slept: 23
Number of hours spent outside: 5
Cups of coffee consumed: 12
Number of meals eaten a day: 1.75
Number of emails received: 352
Number of emails written: 122
Number of hours spent with the kids: way too little

Number of hours I will work today: ZERO

I’m hoping for a better balanced week next week. The universe has saved me one more gorgeous 74 degree day. I will enjoy it with the family, finally. Hope you are having a great Saturday too, wherever you are.

The life of a small business owner leaves very little room for anything else, especially one like myself who is the only employee. Sometimes I feel like a one man cookie factory and that the creativity of cooking has disappeared. I would like nothing more than to have just a few hours each week where I can work on new recipes and ideas, so I suppose that it’s fortunate that I continue to be the pastry consultant at the Central Park Boathouse where I can do just that. Never mind that the ideas I’m working on are for the restaurant and not for my business, but it is a creative outlet nonetheless. On the plus side, I get to bring home any leftover experiments for the kids. It might be a few slices of red velvet cake one day, some profiteroles another week, or these orange madelines. I don’t actually own a madeline pan so the kids have never seen one before. I just told them that it was like a cake in a different shape.

Orange Madelines (makes about 16-24, depending on the size of your pan)

2 eggs
4 egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
Grated Zest of 3 large oranges
1 cup flour
1/2 cup melted butter

Preheat the over to 350 degrees. Whip the eggs, yolks, sugar and orange zest in an electric mixer on high speed for three minutes until very light and fluffy. Fold in the flour by hand, followed by the melted butter. Lightly spray a madeline pan with a nonstick spray, then fill each about 3/4-full with the batter (there may be extra). Bake for about 12 minutes or until risen and cooked in the center. Cool for a few minutes before removing from the pan, then repeat with any additional batter. These are best eaten the same day.