No matter how long or short a break from work is, it’s sometimes really, really hard to get back into the swing of things. I had a hard time getting back into the design mind frame today. I started a new, rather sizable client project and spent most of the day staring back at a blank screen. I wasn’t feeling it at all. So I think I will close that page and start new tomorrow.

What I have been doing on my days off the last four days is organize paperwork and think about all the things I wanted to change and add around the house. I desperately need a lamp on my corner of the couch, but I can’t settle on one at all. I’d also like to change the overhead lighting in many of the rooms and get some new curtains. One evening I climbed high on a stool and lowered our Nelson Bubble lamp that’s hanging above our dining table because I thought it was too high after reading somewhere on the internet that the ideal height between the bottom of the light fixture and table should be around 30 inches. I’d also like to get a really long dining table and some new chairs too to replace the round one that we’ve had for over 7 years. I don’t know. I guess I’m really bored with our space, but I can’t commit to the money I need to spend to do this, except for a new clock for our wall and a new shower curtain for our bathroom. So for now, I’ve changed around and moved most of the art in the house. I finally, *finally*, printed some of my photos in large format and hung it in the livingroom and hallway. It already makes a huge difference to see something different on the walls and to look at some of our favorite memories.

Some random things:
The glasses on the nightstand next to our bed is Mark’s. Did you know that he wears glasses? He’s like, practically legally blind.

Claudine, at age four, still takes a nap. Not everyday, but a few times a week. I don’t think Mia napped a day past her 3rd birthday. Not that I’m complaining, but sheesh, the girl likes her naps, what can I say? She’ll sometimes, but rarely, climb into her bed and nap. Most of the time she’ll just lay down on the couch to “rest a little bit”. I think she likes to sleep next to me while I work.

The list is Mia’s birthday wish list. It’s an eclectic list if I ever saw one. Like why does she want seeds in a jar? What is that? The globe is a cool idea, but I’m just not sure where we’d put it and I’d definitely want to get a vintage one. I’m not surprised about the keyboard since she really digs playing the old piano I grew up playing that’s at my mom’s house. Not surprised about all the American Girl doll accessories either. What I am surprised about is that the dolls are still holding their interest. She puts the doll to “bed” every night in the armchair and often puts her in the vintage doll highchair pulled right up to the dining room table at dinner. Real gold necklaces? Um, what?

It’s postponed, indefinitely. We’ll never rule out opening a store, but for now, we feel really good about the decision and a sense of relief, really. I know at some point last year, we were pretty set on opening our own store and even declared that it was happening here on this blog, but I always had reservations, you know that. So what lead to our decision? A couple of things.

1. We found a kitchen. And it works for us in every way possible and Mark really likes it. This is HUGE. The fact that we were sharing kitchens that held no possibility for growth hindered us for awhile even though the restaurant kitchen that Mark used was free in exchange for pastry help. Then the restaurant closed down. We always knew there was a strong possibility of it happening and it finally did. If you remember, Mark was able to cobble together kitchen hours at a few different places for the Summer and Fall, but it often meant waking up at 2am and driving to his old Central Park restaurant he still consults at and working 18-20 hours on those days. The schedule was brutal. The new (to us) kitchen is owned by some really great guys who are accomplished in the pastry biz, shared with by 4 other small food businesses and Mark has flexible access to the space. It’s also affordable and large enough that we can finally hire interns and help if we need it. The main reason we wanted to open a store was because of our precarious kitchen situation. But now, we finally have a home.

2. A few businesses that I’ve been following closely have closed down, one of which was in our neighborhood and shut its doors very recently. The businesses were very similar to ours and they were open for less than 2 years. You never really want to see businesses fail, but these 3 were of great interest to me for obvious reasons. I know businesses close all the time and I shouldn’t take these few closures as a sign, but it’s something I can’t ignore either. There’s a reason why they couldn’t make it and I’m not confident that we’d be able to avoid the same issues. I’ve also been observing other stores that are making it, but the amount of money, time and dedication that it takes to keep a store open, stocked and successful is something that I can’t commit to right now. We work hard enough as it is. I really can’t imagine working harder than we already do.

3. Which brings us to family/life/work balance. It’s true that at times we often tiptoe at the edge of that balance, but generally speaking, we’ve done okay. We’re always there to walk the kids to and from school, help with homework, cook dinners and put the kids to bed. It was hard starting a business with a baby and a toddler, however, we’ve navigated all the challenges of having both kids and a business in parallel with each other. I’m very sympathetic to those who are on the same business trajectory as we are, but thinking about starting a family now. I feel like the hard part is behind us. Mark and I are masters at tag team childcare. Seriously, even without a sitter – especially without a sitter – we’ve engineered our career choices and lives to make it flexible enough to work for the 7 years that we’ve been parents. Opening and being responsible for a store would take away a lot of this freedom. When I think about how crazy busy we were during the holidays, working long hours, not really seeing the kids, struggling to stock the Flea for 9 straight days while keeping up with orders, I think to myself that this could be our lives all the time if we had a store. We worked really hard to get to this point of flexibility in both our careers, to have weekends and holidays off with the kids. We’re enjoying it and we’re not ready to let that go.

4. I’ll admit it. We don’t really know how to grow. There were some real, tangible roadblocks in our situation that made growth hard, but I think we’re also a bit afraid to let go of some control and delegate tasks to others. It’s the fear of losing control over quality, of becoming so big and having so many orders, that you lose track of what’s going on. We usually just take on what we can handle, but saying no to inquiries, to stores, to potential customers, feels so wrong and terrible. Who turns down business? Who expects to be turned down when all they want are cookies? But we do, sometimes, to keep our sanity. But the downside of doing everything ourselves is that if Mark gets sick, we’re screwed. I don’t know how to do what he does in the kitchen and it doesn’t make financial sense for our family to quit my freelance work to train to be a second baker. But now that we have a better kitchen situation, we can think about growth a little more slowly, at a calculated pace, rather than hitting it head on, suddenly, with a store, a staff, and a whole lot of bills. Maybe this is the more conservative way to grow, but we’re ok with that. We’re not aspiring to be like Crumbs Cupcakes and open 200 more locations around the country by 2014 (have you guys heard about that one??).

And so my friends, I know some of you were really rooting for us to open a store, but it’s not in the cards for now. I think the *idea* of a store is nice – a warm, cozy place for the kids to come to after school, a place where our neighbors can hang out – but the reality of owning a store is much different. The only pang of regret that I have about the store is our plan for ice cream and sorbets. Maybe there is still a way to do it, but not for now.

PS. the cookies above are from our Little Box of Valentine’s Day Cookies. Available now in our shops.

Have you heard about it? The massive Oscar Farinetti/Mario Batali/Joe and Lydia Bastianich owned restaurant/marketplace? Supposedly it’s the largest Italian food and wine marketplace in the world. Well, it *is* huge and sort of Vegas-like in the way the space rambles along and the 5 or so restaurant seating areas are situated right within the aisles of food (it feels sort of “theme park-like” in that way), but do yourself a favor and try to go during the week if you can. We went with the kids on a very cold Sunday with visions of eating good food, but it was soon squashed by the long waits and crowds. The girls were happy with their pear nectar juice boxes though and we miraculously found 4 free chairs right across the way from the fish section. And so we sat and people watched. What a scene. Lots of ladies in fur coats.

In the end, we walked away spending $28 for a block of cheese, a bag of mushrooms, a box of pasta picked by Claudine, some shallots and some herbs. The cheese made up for more than half at $16.

Was it good cheese? Yes. $16 good? Maybe not.

Sounds like a weekly series doesn’t it? Maybe it will be. This is the last year we’ll have Claudine at home with us on any weekday while Mia’s in school. She doesn’t have school on Fridays so Mark and I trade off on taking the day off depending on work schedules. This Friday, we both had the day off. But Miss C’s a homebody! We had to coax and coax her out to play in the snow that was falling in big flakes all day. Most of it’s melted by now, but at least it did its job to cover up the old dirty snow that was leftover from the storm 2 weeks ago. Yes, it’s still around, in frozen piles now that will never go away and sanitation is still behind in picking up garbage so the city feels extra grimy.

In the end, we did coax her out for a walk across the street in the park. As much as we’re all tired of snow, the big, fluffy flakes sure were purty.

And I deserve it. I’ve been waiting a long time to do nothing in the evening and tonight is it. Guys, it’s been a brutal week after a brutal month, but yay! A break! And tomorrow I tackle the mess that is the house, strip the decorations from that sad, dried up, droopy tree in the living room, vacuum, fold piles and piles of laundry and attempt to sort through the even bigger piles of paperwork that need to be filed away. Can’t even believe I’m looking forward to these domestic tasks, but it’ll be a nice change from pushing pixels on a computer 12 hours a day, especially the vacuuming. You know I always get excited about vacuuming with our super duper star vacuum. I probably love my vacuum a little too much.

So what’s this cake, you say? I dunno…sometimes I have this intense craving for cake. Doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does happen I NEED CAKE. Luckily I live, you know, with a pastry chef who can wander over to the kitchen and whip up such last minute improvised things in 20 minutes (that’s chocolate cake in a muffin pan by the way, with apple cider caramel). It must be the hormones because I even dipped into the kids’ stash of Halloween candy (I’m telling you, they forget about the stash in three days). By 4pm I was on a snacking rampage and finished up all the little containers of leftover, uneaten snacks that have been piling up from the kids’ lunches over the past week: dried cranberries, apple slices, pickles, crackers, plantain chips. It’s like I suddenly remembered I was hungry. Mark and I may be the only people who lose weight during the holidays. With the craziness that is the business during that time, we just forget or don’t have time to eat. People always comment on how skinny the 2 of us are, for being in the business that we’re in. Well, now you know why.

So I fully intend to enjoy my work-free weekend. We have some fun things planned, some of which will involve a lot of food. I haven’t been too inspired to take any photos lately, but maybe I’ll even take some pictures. A day off after some hard working might just be the greatest feeling in the world.

Maybe just as good as the day I paid off my student loans from grad school. It was a frightening amount, but I paid it off in 7 years, partly due to a lump settlement I won, but mostly because I made paying off that monthly bill a priority. But today, the day I wrote the last preschool tuition check that I will ever write, is almost, if not just as victorious. No, no, wait, you don’t understand. I need some high fives! Applause! Some butt shaking touchdown moves! After paying crazy, eye-popping, sit down while you read the prices, NYC tuition bills for preschool all those years, we’ve finally made it! You’re still not convinced this is a big deal? Remember that we tearfully ended our relationship with our part time nanny of 6 years last August? PT nanny for 2 + preschool was by far our biggest monthly expense after our mortgage. Now that we don’t have either of those expenses we’ve hit the parenting jackpot! Both kids will be in the same public school come September! Booyeah!! It hasn’t been easy juggling work schedules within the confines of the kids’ school hours (drop off and pick up is about an hour round trip walk each morning and afternoon when all’s said and done – more in the afternoon because Claudine gets out a full hour earlier than Mia), but we’re doing it. 4 months in and we’re managing.

So…….what are we going to do with our new found wealth? Take more vacations (this is why we *didn’t* take vacations). Maybe try and work less (judging by the insane hours I have worked every day this year so far, this isn’t happening right now). Buy more stuff for the house, like furniture and lighting. Take the cash, throw it up in the air and roll around in it (um…).

Of course we still have summer camp to pay for, which will now be a regular expense since we have no childcare in the summer at all. In NYC, we register for camp as early as October. For the NEXT YEAR. Oh, and yeah, now we can afford some extra curricular classes like dance and music (Mia wants to take tap and she’s very interested in taking up an instrument). Oh, right, then there’s things like braces for most likely both girls, and…and… Huh….crap.

Because Mia pulls out this random book that she borrowed from the school library out of her backpack today after school. Seriously, is this kid for real? Guess the apple *doesn’t* fall too far from the tree. Maybe she’s inherited our music genes. Mark’s been actually teaching her some songs on the piano whenever we go to my mom’s house – nothing too complicated, just melodies to some songs she’s been singing. He’s been identifying and naming the notes for her and to our surprise, she can totally play it back and remember how to play it, even after a full month of not touching it at all.

But this book. Makes me laugh. I haven’t thumbed through it yet, but I thought by the looks of the cover, it might be mostly analog and early electronic music like when we studied it at school with Commodore and early Apple computers back in olden times, but the book was written in 2005.

And this. This is why Claudine is awesome. Who would think to use Christmas stockings as sleeping bags for their dolls? I just laughed and laughed when I saw this. Awesome.

I don’t really do resolutions. I don’t need yet another avenue of unrealized goals and dreams to feel bad about myself! But I did make one promise last year and that was to spend more time with friends. I’m happy to say that it was one resolution I made good on. 2010 was a year of friendships and connecting with people. It was most likely the only way I got through the mess that was the first half of the year.

When I was a child, we used to go to these epic New Year’s Eve parties with a group of family friends hosted by a rotation of homes every year. The kids had their own party within a party playing games, hanging out, and later, when we were a wee bit older, sneaking sips of drinks. The parents would play traditional Korean card games into the night with some friendly gambling and there was always a ton of food.

New Year’s Eve in recent years have been quiet since the kids have come along. In the past, Mark always worked that night at restaurants, but it was the one holiday where he didn’t mind working – even the chefs and cooks took a break to toast around midnight and it must have been nice to be in a festive, bustling atmosphere, even if you were at your job. Babysitters are hard to come by New Year’s Eve so I always stayed home with the kids. I let the kids stay up as late as they wanted last year, but they only lasted till 9:30. At that point they were both on the floor laying like corpses in random places around the apartment. After a short while they were begging to go to sleep. But oh, New Years Day! I may actually like it better than Christmas. Such a day of leisure, calm and renewal.

This year we did things a little differently. We were invited to a party by our friend Rachel in New Jersey and it felt so much like the parties that I remember fondly from my childhood. We left with an overnight bag when the skies were already pitch black and the kids managed to stay up like rock stars till past midnight. Nichole and Evan invited us to crash at their place and we did. 6 hours later the next morning, we all woke up with a little less sleep, but hours of good coffee and conversation ahead of us. I think that was the longest Nichole and I had stayed away from our computers even though we both had deadlines looming over us.

When we got back to Brooklyn, it was a new year.
Happy new year, friends.

A year of extreme highs and lows. A month long, near nervous breakdown, something I never want to experience again. A 40th birthday, but not at all related to the nervous breakdown. In fact, turning 40 was…nothing. An ailing parent. Crazy, and I do mean crazy weather here in NY. New friendships forged in stone, some older friendships slipping away. A perfect summer vacation visiting friends and family in Seattle. An end to our relationship with our nanny of 6 years and facing the unknown of juggling school-as childcare with work schedules. A 5 month intense working stint at a big advertising agency (first – and last – time for everything). And at the end of every year I look back and feel like I got away with another year of freelancing, my 9th, working mostly on my terms and I wonder if I’ll be that lucky again the next year.

This was a hard post to write. 2010 was hard so in the end I just kept it simple. I can use a little less drama in 2011. But the one constant I see when I take a look back at all the photos of our year is the relationship that the girls have with each other, that sisterly bond. I can see it in the photos. No matter what year it is, I hope that never changes.