these girls and drawing the line
Mia came up to me one day a few weeks ago with her arms folded in mock annoyance (I can tell because she couldn’t repress a smile) and asked me if I put her bout of recent health issues up on the blog. I told her I didn’t. In reality, I’ve never told the girls about the blog and to my knowledge I didn’t even think they were aware that it existed, but I figured someone in the family must have mentioned or shown them the blog at some point, so I was surprised by her question.
Her inquiry did make me think about some general feelings I’ve had about posting less about the kids now that they are older. I wouldn’t eliminate posting about them completely – how could I? They are a major part of our everyday lives and the advice and comments from other parents on specific issues have been invaluable. But it does warrant some reexamination about how much to share and what to share. Sometimes when I go back into the archives to see where we were in life I forget how small the girls were. Claudine was only a baby and I didn’t have as many readers back then so I may have felt freer to post specific things that might make me hesitate twice now, especially since Mia is older and more aware. It’s an interesting debate and only one that we’re facing with our generation of kids. I think it’s important to respect the privacy of your kids and I’ve certainly responded all the times Mia doesn’t want her photo taken, which accounts for why she might be appearing on the blog less than Claudine who still hams it up for photos and loves to be in front of the camera. People always tell me that this blog will be a great documentation of their childhood for the girls to look back on, but there has to be a point where you draw the line. I am trying to figure out where that line is.
For me, as the blog moves from personal journal and becomes part of a business the line is drawn.
Even though I don’t have kids, I’m so interested to read people’s responses to this…
I think respecting our kids’ privacy definitely becomes an issue, especially as they get older, become more self aware, and are around other kids/parents who can access someone’s blog.
I’ve read some “mom blogs” that really surprise me with how forthcoming they are with stories about their kids. Documenting memories is great and all, but even so, not all memories and stories need to be publicly documented.
Perhaps as the girls get older, asking their permission to share their photos or talking about the blog posts ahead of time might alleviate concerns on everyone’s part. I can see a time where I will be asking J. if it’s ok to share stuff about him.
(And then there’s that whole online creepy pedophile worry that sits in the back of my mind and makes me mindful of how much personal stuff I share about myself & my son.)
ahhhhh. oh yes. this issue. one the one hand, my daughter is a total ham and there are times when she’ll ask me to take her picture and then there are other times, when she very clearly states, put the camera away! And she’ll tell me if she doesn’t want something on the blog. I’m trying to be respectful and ask her if certain photos are ok. She has a remote idea that other people see the blog, but she certainly has no idea about the vast realm of the internet. I will be curious to see if I have to make the move to only photographing my cats and my books and my food as she gets older….:)
That first picture is priceless!
I don’t have kids yet, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt! but maybe sitting down with Mia and talking to her about the blog might be a good place to start. That way she can begin to understand what it is and why you do it. And maybe she’ll say, don’t post pictures of me, or maybe she will be interested and do a guest post some day!
My dad was/is on the radio, and would always ask for my permission if he wanted to tell a story about me. It made me feel more included in the process and I almost always said yes.
A really hard question. I guess it’s something you and your family will have to decide, and amend, as time goes on. My boyfriend recently asked me to feature him less in my blog. It’s weird because so much of my life includes him but I have to be respectful of his wishes and figure out how to best be honest and respectful.
ps–that first picture is just like all of the childhood pictures with my sister and me. (I’m the little one who always wanted to cuddle).
I’m neither a parent or a blogger but I can clearly remember how shy I became as I edged into my teens. I would have hated to have those years documented online but I knew people who I suspect would have loved it!
My sense is that you are already careful about what you post when it relates to other people and that this care includes your kids. What they want you to photograph will vary and I’m sure you’ll get right what to put online most of the time. It will change and it might not be the same for both of them as they individuals with distinct preferences and sensitivities.
Your kids are part of a generation that will have a completely different relationship with the internet. There will be a point when they start to decide how much of there own lives they put online and in what forms. I think parents who are active online and who are making conscious decisions about what they share, where and how will be able to guide their children better through what is, for all of us, an ongoing dilemma.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments so far. Yes, this is what’s part of it, as some of you have said, that we are in uncharted waters with our/their relationship to the internet. It isn’t something that we dealt with when we were kids. Documentation and journaling has always been around, of course, but the way we share now with everyone, including total strangers, is such a new thing.
i was just talking about this very subject with a friends who have kids.. at it’s core this is a matter of paying attention to yourself and your kids and their individual needs. i somehow believe that you know where that line is for each one of them as interesting young women on their own path and as a mother to them.
i would have loved for my mom to document my childhood more – scrapbooks, photographs, old art projects – but i also am happy that whatever little there was (between jobs and her being in med-school) is sacred and kept in a private home space. my fiance’s mom documented quite a lot of his childhood and he wished she would have left some things quiet. he is now an incredibly private person.
each one of us is different but i tend to lean toward one of your readers who suggests when blog = business.. the line of friendly intimacy has been crossed or compromised at the very least. i think kids deserve to be kids and have that safety and privacy that is so necessary to become healthy, secure adults.
Learning to draw a line when it comes to what is shared online regarding our daughter, is something that I’ve been giving much thought to lately, as well.
It’s definitely a delicate question that requires a lot of thought and consideration. Despite this community you’ve built via your blog and the many blogging communities for that matter it’s still a network of virtual strangers (with the exception of those you’ve meet and befriended offline). So I can see how it would be uncomfortable to share so much of your girls as they get older and they become more self aware. I’m not sure there is a right or wrong answer. More personal preference and what works for your family.
I have been blogging daily since 2004. My two daughters were 18 and 22 when I started. Immediately it became clear that they had very strong ideas about what was acceptable fodder for the blog.
Here’s what I did (and I can only speak to my girls — each person’s case is different): I basically avoided revealing anything about them that wasn’t obvious to the outside world. When I would visit them in college, or when I would travel with my younger one, I would write about that. From my perspective.
I avoided using their names in the posts so that if someone would google them, they would not automatically come to my blog.
My older girl is 31 now and she is getting married in two days. I expect to post about that. But I write nothing about her friends, her hardships, her stories. Even though she isn’t particularly private.
My younger one is 27 and she is intensely private. I know she winces every time I post a photo of her, though she has come to terms with my love of doing it and she will let me do it, just not all the time.
I think of it more and more as my blog with only general references to what happens to my “kids.” More about what we do when we’re together than what they are doing on their own. Those are their stories.
But I am so happy that my partner has given me blanket permission to write what I want about him. Our daily dynamic is, for me, crucial to my blogging. There, I can write and explore all those nuances and details that give depth (I hope) to an account of daily life.
So, basically, I think you’re right to be more cautious now. You can write about them without really writing anything about them. You wont always guess perfectly where to stop, but it’s important to try to think about it.
It’s funny that this has come up as a blogging dilemma. So many good writers wrote about their families and thought nothing of it. Somehow blogging is different. It’s very immediate. And still, it’s far far more acceptable to blog in the way that you do, that I do now than it was eight years ago when I got a lot of negative reactions about what I was doing on the Internet. These days, even my mother no longer objects to the premise of a personal blog. She’s grown to like mine. But it took her a long long time to understand the good side to it.
I’ve been following your blog only pretty recently, since last Spring. Even though I haven’t been following you for long I feel, in some way, connected because I have a daughter around your children’s age, because your aesthetic preferences are close to what I like, and because you and your husband have created such a cool business. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care to read more about your girls, it helps me as I navigate my own path through parenthood. I think that’s why many of us follow blogs, because it helps us figure out where we might be, want to go, etc.
So all that to say, that I think the only other way is to go private when you post about the girls and only your closest friends or confidants would get the password. That way you can control and know exactly who gets what information about your personal life. Of course that would rule me out, but hey, y’know, it’s for your girls.
cg
As they get older, you can just ask them. I’ve found that by treating my kids the way I’d treat anyone–a friend or relative–we’re all comfortable with what I write about them on my blog (which is obviously read by far fewer people than yours, but still feels public to them). I’ve had a blog for about 7 years, and my kids are now in their late teens. They were old enough when I started that it was an issue in my mind from the beginning, so I’ve always stuck to a policy of never writing about anything they’re uncomfortable with, and never posting a photograph of them that they don’t approve first.
I think you definatley will post less about your girls as they grow older. My daughter recently asked me to stop talking about her ( she had just broken her arm) she is only 7 but felt that was her story to tell not mine. I was talking face to face with other parents at the school.
I think you have a great balance and I am sure that as your girls get older they’re not going to feature quite so much – a natural and slow change will occur. I too blog quite frequently about my kids as, like you they are so much part of my life at 3 and 7. I do agree with the comments that we create a priceless documentary of our children’s early years. One thing I know for sure: I would LOVE to have such a amazing recording of my own childhood to look back upon. All I have is some slowly fading 70′s photographs.
I would also consider what you would have wanted at their age. Obviously we didn’t grow up with the internet and blogging, but if you did, and one of your parents or siblings blogged about you- what would you have wanted to share or keep private? Before pressing “post,” I would try to do a mental rundown of whether or not you would want such a story posted about you. Others’ suggestion about asking the girls is also good advice. What they say now will be very different from what they say when they are 12 or 13.
oh that first photo reminds me of when i was younger and how i acted around my little sister and her constant interest in me… ha love that photo
Children (and many teens for that matter) are not mature enough or intellectually capable of completely understanding the vastness and the permanence of the internet, hence the recurrent stories about young adults losing opportunities due to damning partying or scantily clad cell phone pics. Perception changes with age too. The girls might be okay with posting certain personal information now, but would they feel differently about the same information when they are in their highly emotional teenage years? In another separate but related topic, my children’s school had a police presentation on bullying and apparently the most prominent form is cyberbullying. It can be anonymous and so much personal information can be found on others on the internet. That being said, it’s also helpful to receive necessary information as with the post about braces and dental insurance. I would guess that it’s probably prudent to err on the side of caution. I would hate for the girls to be resentful of you and your wonderful blog when they are older.
Hmm, interesting question. While I respect any decision you come to re: your girls, I do enjoy seeing them in posts. As you say, they’re very much a part of your everyday life and through them, we get a great sense of who you are.
PS – that 1st pic is adorable!
I love your pics of them, I hope to still see them on here, but I completely understand the point. I have a blog that I dont write much on for the exact that reason, I am not sure how much I want to put out there for ppl to read, and also, I never share the posts to any other social networks I belong to, kind of hoping to have this separate life that random readers will read about and not close friends and family (as it is at the times very personal)….
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I think it’s a great idea to talk about it with the kids, though I suspect that I will post less specific things about them from now on. thanks again.
I love everything about your blog, and I think it is wise to err on the side of less about the girls. Maybe have a private link for your family or just yourself — that way you can stay with your routine of posting and have that archive… but even most formal parenting columnists draw a firm line when their kids reach a certain age. If C is already feeling a bit sensitive about it — even if to her it means/feels the same as “Did you tell Grandma I got in trouble at school?” — I think that makes it even more obvious.
I always enjoy reading your blog. This story really touched me as I was thinking about this issue recently, when I blogged about my daughter’s pacemaker check.
In the end, and with her permission, I decided to write about it, partly because I feel it’s so important to raise awareness about heart kids. That said, if my daughter had said she felt uncomfortable, I wouldn’t have written about her heart.
It sounds as if Mia has drawn the line for you. Good for you for listening to her.
Really love the pictures you take.
About Mia’s health issues, I think you mentioned it in a post that talked about money saving. I did think while reading it that maybe disclosing something like that should probably be left to her own devise as it might affect her in the future, like job prospects or relationship or something.