We’re at the point in winter where most people are totally over it. Funny how even the complaining is predictably cyclical like the seasons, isn’t it? But even though the weather is a drag I haven’t minded winter much. I admit that I’ve been in a bit of a hibernating (hiding?) mood where I haven’t been going out at all (the girls have noticed too and have asked why I’ve been home every night. Like I was constantly going out all the time before??), but I’m pretty content with my boring life right now. I’ve been really busy with work, but I won’t deny that winter strips away most of the motivation to leave the house after dark.
Things feel pretty good around here. I’ve been having one of those parental stretches where I look at the girls and can’t get over how big they’re getting. I know it’s such a boring cliche, but it all does go by very fast and I’m realizing that they’re entering into more independence every day. For the first time, I can catch glimmers of what their life might be like without us – it isn’t really all that hard to imagine anymore. And then when Claudine starts reminding me every week that it’s time to do laundry because the basket is overflowing or when Mia squints while looking at my face and asks if I’m wearing eyeliner (“but you never wear makeup!”), they start sounding more like my mother.
All of this has me thinking more about blogging and kids and all that stuff in general, a continuation of this post from September. I questioned where the line needed to be drawn then, but I know the answer now. The girls have their own identity; it’s not mine to express. While I may have never identified with the whole “mommy blogger” label (actually, I don’t know a better way to piss me off than calling me that, ha), my role as a parent fills many aspects of my life including what I write here, but as I’ve written in this post a few years ago, being a mom doesn’t define who I am. It’s part of who I am, but it doesn’t define me. I think I’ve always tried to take that approach with this blog, but it’s time to shift things even farther away from the girls. It isn’t about removing them from the blog, but more about shifting the posts to focus back on writing as a parent to 2 girls, a designer, a freelancer, a New Yorker, and less on the girls specifically – or at least I’m going to try and think carefully about what I post from now on. Maybe it won’t be as interesting here, but I’m ok with that. I’m also ok in saying out loud that I have less readers than I did 2 years ago. I’m fine with going back to small. Sometimes things just happen without you realizing it, you know? And then you and your family are being spotted in every city that you travel to. I’ve enjoyed every single personal encounter with blog readers and that is the truth, but we aren’t attention seeking people. I think when many of us early bloggers started writing over 10 years ago, the online world felt smaller and maybe a bit safer. It’s a bit naive to think that it’s stayed the same 10 years later. I’m not sure where any of us will be in the online world 10 years from now either, but in many ways we’re forging ahead while still in uncharted waters. Are any of us looking ahead while looking back at what we’ve left behind? That alone is enough to make me pause and at least think of my purpose here.