I don’t want to turn this into a grief blog, but then again, if I’m not writing about what I’m feeling, what am I writing about instead? The way I see it, it can go one of two ways. I can understand how some people might want to alienate themselves from everything and everyone they know after a loss like this. Sometimes the only thing that makes sense is retreating into your own world and starting over. It feels completely fake to put on a “normal” front every day for the benefit of your children, your family, your neighbors, your friends and clients. It’s like you do this so they can feel comfortable in your presence. You know, avoid the awkward. Meanwhile, most things feel trivial and you start feeling like you can’t relate to people anymore because everything takes on a new meaning. That view of the water on a perfect summer day, the pretty bouquet of flowers, the sun that filters through the leaves, a child’s hug…all things that he will never see or experience again. So you keep it to yourself because who wants to be burdened with someone else’s grief. That feeling of being out of sync with the world just grows deeper.
I’ve considered shutting the blog down and starting a tumblr for our business. Photos of cookies, pretty food and business news; normal stuff like most businesses post, not this. But then again, it wouldn’t feel real – more of that “putting up a front” thing that I’m doing every day, everywhere else. So maybe this is turning into a grief blog, I don’t know. What other place do I have?