I’ve been trying to write this post for a day, but have deleted, rewritten and deleted whole sections again. Sometimes words roll off the fingertips. Sometimes it’s a struggle to put a cohesive sentence down at all. But I feel in a space of 36 hours, much has happened. It’s been an interesting few days. I spent the middle of the week feeling sick and finally surrendered to the fact that this cough wasn’t going to get better on its own after 4 weeks, so I went to the doctor. Along with a prescription for antibiotics, I also came away with a realization and a load off my chest. I think I finally get it now. I don’t know why I’m having “low-grade” depression (as I’ve been calling it) but that is why it’s hard to shake off. There is nothing tangible that I can place it on. But the pursuit of happiness isn’t so elusive if you understand that it’s takes effort, motivation and a willingness to spend time to prioritize the things that can help you feel better. Like the cough, it doesn’t just go away on it’s own and the busyness of life and work is really just a distraction from dealing with it. It’s so obvious, right? And yet, when you’re feeling down, it’s those very simple things like sleep, exercise and reaching out to other people that are hard to muster energy for.
But I’m working on many of these things. I’m ready to chase away insecurity, lack of self confidence and feeling like I’m faking my way through certain things in life despite what I’ve accomplished and what others say and perceive (do you ever feel that way?). I did an interview over on the ModernEmotive blog and one of the things that I said was that you need to hustle and work hard when you are self employed, but you also need to trust. And I realized that I don’t trust enough – myself, my family, my talents, my network, my life, my confidence.
I had a pretty extraordinary day this week. I had quite a few opportunities that sprung up on the same day and quite unexpectedly. Things that are scary and fun and potentially exciting. There were meetings, phone calls and social get togethers and potential projects that made me reassess the things that I had planned for the beginning of this year. I have been going out at night a little more too which had been a rarity in the past and the city is such a different world when the sky is dark and the lights are out. I’m not used to it. But now that the kids are a little older I’m starting to feel like I’m having a life that is separate from the kids. So much of my social circle for the past 6 years have revolved around them. It’s refreshing to talk to people about business, blogging, and entrepreneurship, and not about sleep schedules, potty training or tantrums.
People who don’t get it sometimes laugh when I say that I have this social online life or that I’m going to meet some people that I’ve met online. But the truth is, all of those worlds are converging and I no longer make that distinction between virtual friends and real life friends. To me they are one in the same, and through effort we are meeting one another (to quote Claudine’s favorite phrase right now “for real life”) and even making summer travel plans.
I recently sat with other women in the most amazing glass penthouse downtown with the city lights and the East River as the backdrop. Some of us were writers, others were designers or editors, some had day jobs, some were entrepreneurs, some were married, some not, some had children. But we were all bloggers who met through twitter and among lots of things, we talked about why we blog. I think we all agreed that although it is scary sometimes to put yourself out there, we are also getting something back, which is why we do it. So true. I know there are many of you who have said that our story of starting this business and the struggles of work/home balance has been inspiring. I’m glad to share, but I’m also getting back from so many of you as well. It’s obvious that this business has changed our life, but not necessarily in the way that I had thought. At the end of the day, work is work, but it’s the opportunities and relationships that have developed through this blog and the business that has been a most pleasant and life changing surprise. These are connections that I’m cherishing right now.