I’ve been having a bit of an identity “situation”. I wouldn’t call it a crises, because you know, I’m not really thinking about it all THAT much, but suddenly, I don’t know what to wear anymore. Part of it is being bored with all of my clothes. Another part is feeling like I don’t really know how I’m supposed to dress at this age, and the other part is not really being happy with my body right now. It’s true, having kids and breastfeeding does a number on your body and now that I’m done with all that stuff, I’m sort of looking around, taking stock and wondering what happened. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve always been thin and even downright skinny at times, but my metabolism is changing and despite the fact that I feel like I’m not eating all that much lately, my weight isn’t changing at all, not even during my sugarfast. It’s really weird. I didn’t even lose weight during my long 2+ week illness a few months ago when I was barely eating anything, which kind of pissed me off because isn’t that the ONLY good thing about being sick? I know some of you who know me might be rolling your eyes because really, I am at a good weight for my height, but my point is, it used to be really hard for me to gain weight so this is a really strange change for me. I suppose this is what happens when one reaches a certain age – things just slow down and start hanging out in places you don’t want.
…which brings me to the fact that I’m getting older and I don’t know what to wear anymore. Seriously, should I really be shopping at like, Urban Outfitters with kids literally half my age? If I think about it, it’s sort of ridiculous to be wearing the same dresses, jeans and tanks that a 19 year old would wear, so then what? Ann Taylor separates? (noooooooo). There are days when I don’t really care and just put on whatever and walk out the door and feel fine. On other days, however, I’m changing outfits 3 or 4 times because nothing feels right and suddenly I feel like an awkward, insecure teenager. It used to be, at least in our culture, that by the time you reached 30 and had kids, you’d cut your hair, get a perm (you know, the Kofro – korean afro for those who don’t know – and I dare you to find any Korean woman over the age 55 with unpermed hair) and wear pleated pants and sweater sets. Truth is, I don’t really look that much different than I did 10 or 12 years ago, style or hair-wise, which ironically is why I feel like I’m in some kind of rut.
So what is spurring all this stuff? Don’t know. Ok, maybe just having turned thirtyfuckingnine years old last month might have something to do with it (told you we were old, ha!), but really, I don’t feel like I’m stressing about my age in that way. It is, however, making me think about aging and what not to do in that “I don’t want to look like one of those middle-aged rock stars prancing on stage who still have the hair, the leather, the eyeliner and chains kind of way”. And I am well aware that my Asian genes have helped me look younger than I am, but even I can see that I won’t be able to hide behind that much longer as I am seeing fine lines start to appear. But despite all this, I really don’t mind turning 40 in less than a year. I’m ok with that as I feel I’m in a good place in my career and family and all that kind of stuff, but like all 40 and almost approaching middle aged people, I just don’t feel that old yet. So sometimes mental state of being doesn’t equal actual age, hence the bit of identity confusion (oh and btw, middle aged, wtf!??!).