1 month on this intensive work schedule and I’m starting to lose focus of the goals I set earlier this year. All those personal and Whimsy-related projects I was excited about are becoming distant and hazy. I think if you aren’t in there diving into them, you start to either over think the ideas too much or not give them enough attention and they start to lose their point and meaning.
In a weird way, I almost feel like I’m taking the easy way out after having set all those goals earlier in the year. When you’re working on client projects you’re given clear assignments, a deadline and at the end, a paycheck. It’s much harder to do your own thing, set your own goals and deadlines and attempt to make a living from what you create, but it’s also hard to turn away good money and say no. It’s made me reassess my wish for this year to transition out of this career. It’s hard to be in a line of work where your work is constantly critiqued. It’s all subjective. Sometimes you can separate the critique from your feelings (it’s not about you, it’s about the work) and other times you feel like shit when something you put out in the world gets slammed and ripped apart. You would think that you’d get used to it after spending more than half a lifetime sitting through critiques in high school, art school, music school, grad school and then with clients, but it doesn’t necessarily get easier. Despite the fact that my heart is never in this kind of work, that I have insecurities and suffer from nerves being shot every time I await feedback from a client, I work hard and I can maybe finally admit to myself what others have been telling me for years – that I am good at what I do.
I feel burnt out today. No focus at all. I just want to sit on the couch and watch crap TV on YouTube (recent obsession, Be Good Johnny Weir) and eat a bunch of KitKat bars. So despite the fact that it seems to go against my usual nature of taking everything on and dealing with the stressful consequences if the shit hits the fan, I am saying no to new projects that have surfaced the past 2 days and learning not to have any regrets. Can’t do it all. It’s not worth it, not even for the money.
(thank you to Andrew who gave the girls some tooth fairy and kokeshi charms (shown above). The generosity of others is always inspiring).