I mean this has been a slow summer, right? (though I am working a bit right now). But my mind’s been bouncing around like Pong on caffeine and I haven’t been able to get to sleep til 3am most nights. There are ideas. ALOT of ideas and I’m making connections, some of which I feel will be very important some day, but right now I’m paralyzed by the thought of executing them and I feel like I’m all over the place. I know I over think. I know that I am, still, even after all these years and life lessons learned, crippled by the thought of doing something that is less than perfect. I am a control freak. I know that these are my greatest obstacles, but even the slightest hope that I’ll be able to leave behind the things that I don’t want to do anymore will, in the end, push me through. I *have* to believe this.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the paths that we choose to take in life, whether it was calculated, organic in its progression or accidental. It may not have been completely clear at the time, but I think I’m old enough at this point to look back and see the that each step, each job, each project has led me to where I am. I can pinpoint the exact moment in my life exactly 10 years ago that, had I made a different choice, would have most likely led me down a much different path. I look at some of my friends and classmates and see just how far they’ve risen up in their careers (by the way, DO NOT start poking around and looking up where your friends have ended up if you’re feeling even a little insecure about yourself, because you’re most certainly going to feel like craaaap). Had I made that other choice, I could have been like them. I have worked on some very interesting and high profile projects so I don’t understand why I sometimes feel a slight tinge of career envy when I know that corporate life isn’t for me. It is confusing. Perhaps it’s just human nature to measure yourself against your peers, but this feeling is uncomfortable.
I know I slipped in the line about the “store” rather casually a few posts back. The truth is, we are doing it. I don’t know where, I don’t even know when, but it is more in the “near future” rather than “far”. It is so overwhelming though, you guys. I don’t even know where to start. This may just be the hardest thing that I will have ever done in my life so far.
ps. the J.Crew catalog. I want. Everything. Or maybe I just want the styling. btw, I just saw on the class list that Jenna Lyon’s son is going to Claudine (and Mia’s old) preschool. I promise I won’t start stalking just so I can see inside their brownstone in real life. No. No, that would be creepy and just plain wrong.