…seems to be ambling by faster than usual. I suppose there was also a lost month in there. As we go about our usual summer activities, I’m struck by how mild the weather has been, save for a few hot muggy days here and there. I’m not a fan of sleeping with AC on, so it’s been a pleasant thing, snuggling under a blanket with the windows open; the evenings have been downright cool.
The girls are in and out of camp these 2 months and when they’ve been home, always ask “what are we going to do today?” I was the same way as a kid–always needing to know what’s next–and it drove my mom crazy. But the days with them at home have fallen into a comfortable, leisurely routine. I watch them and admire how close they are, even for siblings, and sometimes feel pangs of sadness that I don’t have that anymore. Some days are still met with disbelief that he is gone. Other days I feel kind of like a jerk because I’m obviously not the only person who has ever lost someone. In that respect, although I know this thinking is ridiculous, grieving feels a bit self indulgent, particularly when you feel like you need to move on with life. Things are still complex; I think about him everyday.
It’s easier to forget about things when I’m at the office. I forget that I’m angry or sad, but scrambling for childcare when this was unexpected has been a challenge. Maybe we’ve taken for granted this flexibility that we’ve created because we’ve always been around when we’ve needed it. I haven’t given it much thought since the kids started school years ago, but the stress of childcare has bubbled a bit to the surface lately. Working parents – in office, out of office, work from home – it’s all a challenge in its own ways.