The obligatory seasonal apple picking post. Comes around every year like a marker of time.
Today was the first day where I wished I wore a heavier jacket and a bigger scarf as I was walking around; it was legitimately chilly. But Fall in New York has been glorious the last few weeks like it always is every year – and the leaves haven’t even turned yet. Summer will always be enshrouded now in the memory of loss. The slowed down pace of longer days, the heaviness of the heat, the rhythmic buzz of the cicadas, and the feeling of suspended time will always remind me of a period of mourning. The change in seasons and hitting up all the Fall activities like we do every year feels like a reset on life. The crisp air signals that transition. I admit that every so often I feel a tinge of guilt for starting to move on. There’s more laughter than sadness now. I know that doesn’t make sense, this guilt, but maybe that is part of the process too. I know that he would want me to live my life. I never really believed in guardian angels before, but maybe I do now. It’s a nice thought, especially in regards to the children who were left behind. Whatever gets us through the days.
I feel a like there’s been a fairly big shift in my life right now and I’m not just talking about the job or my loss. Every once in a while that happens. You find yourself looking at a different vantage point and you realize that the people that you connect with and talk to everyday are suddenly a different cast of characters. If sort of feels like I was on one side of a Rubik’s cube and someone just picked it up, turned it one click clockwise to the right, and sat it down again. Everything and everyone that I know is still on the cube, but I’m suddenly on a new side, dropped into a different puzzle of colors than where I was before.
So maybe these yearly seasonal rituals like apple picking not only marks the season, but act like anchors. So we don’t float away and so we don’t get overwhelmed by all the turns that we take in life. The leaves – they’ll always change colors and the apples will always fall from branches. But they do come back every time.